Orochimaru's Day
by Heavenly Deeds
Summary: I made this while I was hyper on Easter Candy. Don't read this. Seriously. You don't want to. Candyfic. UPDATE!
1. 314

Once upon a time, Kabuto thought that Orochimaru needed to see a Psychiatrist. "You are indeed very crazy Orochimaru. Go see a doctor. Seven." "Kay..."

So Oro (I don't feel like typing out his whole name even though while I'm typing this I COULD'VE typed his whole name and I wouldn't have to type out all of this...)SO OROCHIMARU headed for the doctors office. "YOU MEAN THE PSYCHIATRIST'S!" WHATEVER. STFU. "NO." Fine, first he went to go get Ice Cream, take over a pirate ship, and go to the bathroom. Okay. So he's heading to the doctors.

"Hello Orochimaru. GOD DAMN IT YOUR NAME IS LONG! So...How does that make you feel?"

"Well, it makes me feel sad because my name...is...long. I like puppies!"

"Good...Good..." The doctor scribbles down some notes. "Have you ever had a childhood pet?"

"Yes...I had a rabbit named Phillip. He was a soft brown...and...and..." Oro starts crying a lot. "He used to...BE ADORABLE."

"Okay...Did he used to do anything else?" "Yea..He would eat stuff." "Okay...And how does that make you feel?" "Retarded. I'm outta here." "I need my 20 bucks first..." "No." "Okay."

So, Oro-San goes to Wal-mart. He buys candy. He gets hyper on the candy and kills old people. And bathes them regularly at the Senior Home near Suna. Yes. So he's walking home when he forgot something. "I forgot my tampons! OMG." So he runs back into Wal-Mart and gets some. "...What! It's for my leaky faucet..." Suuuuuuuuure. Okay.

Orochimaru returns home. "OROCHIMARU! I love you! Let's have gay sex!" "No. I need to watch American Idol first."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Oro screamed. He forgot to buy a dress for his lamp.

"Hi." Said Naruto.

"What are you doing?" Said Orochimaru hatefully.

"Pooping."

"Kay."

"69"

"Eww."

THE END.

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Wow. If you read this...just...just...wow. I made this when I was super hyper. I think this is kinda spam like. Oh well. 


	2. Chapter 7

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Orochimaru cackled evily. He had just painted a porcelain doll. "Now, to complete my Doll-O-Rama by adding this Mexican one!" He began to put it on his stand when all of the sudden...

"WOHO! Put that down! CRUNCHIFY!" It was CAPTAIN CRUNCH!

"Wow! It's so PEANUT BUTTERY!" Screams Orochimaru.

"YES." Says the elephant.

Okay, back to the 'Real WORLD.' "Stop using caps lock!" NO YOU FOOL. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. "Whatever." RACIST.

Okay, so the Michael Jackson look-alike I MEAN Orochimaru goes into the living room again. "Y HALO THAR OROCHIMARU." Kabuto says like a tart. "WOULD YOU LIKE-" "No." "Okay."

Orochimaru sighs. "This story needs a plot..." No it doesn't. "...I Know what I wanna do today! Change my name to MAX POWERS." So Orochimaru goes to the court to ask if he can be Max Powers. The court said no. Orochimaru turns super emo and cuts his wrists now.

"No, I don't." ...

Kay...Racist. "So what If I am?" IT'S CAUSE' I'M WHITE.

"Wow! Look who it is!" "It's Shafreakwa!" Kabuto screams out of nowhere.

"SHAFREAKWA IS THE CAKE DIVA. SHE IS ALSO THE CAPS LOCK DIVA. I HOPE ALL THE FONT IS BURNIN' THE CHILLUN'S EYES, NOW."

"Wooow..." Sasuke comes in. "I want Oreos. Now."

"You're not cool enough. Says Orochimaru.

"PFFFFFFT. You should be talkin'! You can't even put your apostrophes in the right place, son!"

"I DID SO. -spellchecks- God DAMNIT!1111one!" Says the Emo

"wahahaha...now i take away the caps lock with my super potato powers." says sasuke

"no more caps lock wtf. Says the bad grammar guy otochimaru

'u spell ur name wrong lloz' saz naruto 'i r congruent to god lloz'

"STFU MAN." It was KAKASHI AND HIS SKILL!

"With all our powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!"

Captain Planet, he's our hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero! Go Speed RACER. GO Speed Racer, GO SPEED RACER GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You suck Kanu." Says KAKASHI

Thanks. This chapter is now over. Stop reading you rip off artist! -kicks shin-


	3. rocks r funny

A long loooooong time ago, Naruto used to have no friends. But now, he has one. His name is Mr. Rock.

"MR. ROCK, I love you!" Screams Naruto "What are you doing in my house still?" Orochimaru speaks vehemently.

"I had to pee again. I have no toilet..." "Okay, well, were did you find that gimungous rock?"

"...In the garbage. Yeah..."

Kabuto runs in and screams randomly. "OMFG. Guess What?" "What?"

"I GOT TICKETS TO THE NEW BEATLES CONCERT." "The Beatles are pretty much dead...Their a band from the 60s...You got jipped, man."

"Damn it. I know you should never trust E-Bayers when they say 'If you buy this I'll throw in an extra cookie! It has chocolate chips' It was Oatmeal anyway..."

"Okay guys, we have to do something Naruto like! BELIEVE IT!" Naruto yells. "I know, let's play capture the flag!"

Everyone appears outta nowhere Chouji, Kakashi, TenTen, And everyone else I don't feel like typing!

"WHERE ARE MY OREOS?" "Your not allowed to be here Sasuke! Your banned from your use of potato powers!" "Your such a loser, Naruto." "Nuh uh." "Yea huh." "Nuh uh" "Yea huh." "OH W/E."

"You know what would be even more fun?" Says Chouji "Look!" He pulls out a Lava Lamp.

"OH! The colors..." Everyone stares at it forever UNTIL THEY DIE. J/k lolz. Chouji sneaks into the kitchen "MY KITCHEN!" -Orochimaru's Kitchen, and steals food. A lot of food. So much food, that Captain Crunch elephant would actually be full.

After a while of staring, Itachi came in! "THE LIGHT! OMG IT BUUUUUUURNNNNNNNS!1111" So he dies right then and there...In front of them...

"Yay!" Screams Sasuke "That saved me a bunch of trouble! I never knew Lava Lamps were like his Kryptonite...Or maybe he died in front of it because it was so beautiful..."

Everyone rejoices and dances, except Orochimaru because he's cool like that. He also spells his name wrong on tests...I didn't say that. "GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS? BARNEY TIME!"

"I love you! You love me! Were the bestest family! With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you! Won't you say you love me toooooooooooooooooooooo!" Barney comes in and hugs everyone. Yes, even Orochimaru. But not Batman. He's tarding out right now.


	4. Revenge of Jesus

Today is RANDOM DAY! (It's also Marijuana Day...4:20. Yeah...This kid that smelled like Ass on my bus wouldn't shut up about it. ANYWAY...)

"OMG IT'S OPERA!" Screams the Opera fan-boy, Orochimaru.

Opera is now 236503 pounds. She cannot walk. "BLUB BLUB BLAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHH." Says...Opera...

"...I like pancakes too, Opera!" Says Orochimaru while doing the Cabbage Patch.

"MUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Says Opera!

"...Okay. Your on crack or something."

"LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA! Elmo's WORLD!" Screams Kabuto "Elmo loves his crayons! His goldfish too!"

He was watching Elmo's world.

"I LOVE ELMO'S WORLD!" Oro. Sits down and watches.

Last time on Elmo's World:

Elmo got caught up in a Gang fight. (You can hear random curses and screams. And a gunshot) Elmo got himself a Gunshot wound...BUT, He won a new car!

Now onto today's episode...

"Hello Susie! Would you please get my crayon from the desk over there?" "Sure Elmo!" She goes over to the desk and the camera zooms up on her hand slowly...opening...the...drawer. Elmo throws a dagger and it lands on her hand.

"THOSE ARE ELMO'S DRUGS!" He laughs maniacally and has one eye WAY bigger than the other.

"Wow. This show never ceases to amaze."

"I know," Says Orochimaru "LET'S GO TO BOB EVANS!" (A restaurant if you didn't know...)

"OMFG IT'S OROCHIMARU!" You can NOW hear everyone's panicked screams as they all walk into the door. "What the fuck is their problem?" "I know, man. It IS Monday..."

"Hello...Welcome to Bob Evans. May I take your order?"

"...We need a table. Preferably near a shaded place, please. Opera has skin problems." "BLUUURRHHHGGG."

"Okay. Right this way. I'll give you guys a few minutes to decide.

"Hmmm...I think I'll get 2 steaks, a Potato...and Apple Juice!" Orochimaru chimes.

"I'll get a salad." "A salad? That's not a man's food." "Shut up. Now."

"Kay. Be right out." "It better be. Or else OPERA will kill you." "How?" "Laser eye vision. Standered Opera power."

A few minutes later after some cheap small talk, the waiter came out.

"Here is your food. Five." "Why did you say five?" "I was...malfunctioning?" "That works. You are dismissed."

Opera was about to eat her food...kinda and her water when Kabuto screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What time is it Orochimaru?" "12:01..." "NEVER feed and Opera after midnight!" Too late. Opera had drunk her water... "SHITFUCK!"

Opera kept growing in size...as if she could. She was the size of Godzilla. She made the Godzilla RAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRR! And used her Laser Eye Vision and Pulse Laser Guns to destroy the city...village.

"You're so retarted Orochimaru." "I'm sorry, Kabuto but, I never read the manuals."

After that cool phrase they went on and kicked Opera's ass. Hard. She evaporated into the sky.

"We saved the day." "Indeed."

"OMG BABY BOP IS EATING MY HEAD!11111111111111111111FIVE!" She was taking giant bites and clinging off Barney's head. "AUNG AUNGHHH AUNNGHGHGH!"

"..." Said Orochimaru.


	5. Tea Party!

**I am still updating! Yay! Please read on! -**

**Disclaimer: I don' own ppl zomg lol**

* * *

"Tea Party! TEA PARTY!" Screamed Orochimaru. "I'm not gonna play this time..." Said Kabuto "Yes you are."

Kabuto was wearing a pink dress OVER his uniform so it looked double gay and Orochimaru was wearing a blue frill dress that was...big. "Okay Mr. Teddy! You need some Tea now. 2 Cubes of sugar? Okay! How about you, Batman?" Batman started tardin' out. "Ummmm..." Orochimaru started pouring the 'Tea'. I really have no clue why he at least didn't use real Tea...

"Oro! I don't like this...I don't look good in pink! Kabuto smiled "How about we-" "OMG. Kabuto, WHERE are the Teddy Grahams?" "I don't-"

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TEDDY GRAHAMS?"

Uh oh. Orochimaru went on a killing spree on his way to Wal-Mart. Yes, he goes there for everything! "MAAM! I...need...TEDDY GRAHAMS. Now. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..."

"Ummmm...Sir...We don't sell those here." "...What? Wal-Mart...doesn't...sell..." Orochimaru rampaged outta the store and started screaming and flailing. "OMFG. WHERE THE HELL AM I GONNA BUY TEDDY GRAHAMS! If Wal-Mart doesn't have them, Who the fuck DOES!" He was having a nervous brakedown.

Wow. This story has had the same 'plot-line' of over 5 sentences now.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was walking down the street eating, Teddy Grahams. Why? Who knows. He was starting to get withdrawals from not reading Make-Out Paradise. "I swear I will not read them any more...I swear...Just keep eating food..."

Orochimaru smelled Teddy Grahams. He ran towards Kakashi and stole them. "YOU TOOK MY TEDDY GRAHAMS! YOU BASTARD! Gawd!...Liek...Can I still talk? Is it still my-"

"La la la la la" Hitler was walking down the road with a GIANT Lollipop! "MINE!" YELLED Orochimaru. "...I should've taken over Japan."

of

From Gaara.

Yes, Gaara is retarted.

"Go Dexter FAMILY GO! Dun dun dun dun dun dun duuuuun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUN!" Kabuto was watching Cartoon Network. "WTF are you doing? I got the Teddy Grahams AND a Lollipop!"

"So?" "...So! SO! So, Why do you live here anywayz!" "Because I can."

"Oh..."

Later on after a very quick Tea Party...

"Orochimaru, I have to tell you something very, very, very important. This could ruin the rest of our lives." "...Well?" Kabuto starts crying. "I don't know how to say this but...but...Five." "...What?" Kabuto starts bawling and he repeats. "Fiveeee...I'M SORRY OKAY? I'm sorry...I couldn't resist..."

"Your on some kinda crack, Kabuto." Kabuto scratches his neck. "No, I'm not. Drug free is the way to-" He passes out.

Orochimaru sighs and walks outside. "I wish I had a Snapple." _Trojan Maaaaaaaan...Trojan Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan _"Who sung that?" No answer. "WTF." "No...Way..."

"It's BIG BIRD!" "Hewwo Orochi- GOD DAMNIT YOUR NAME IS LONG!" Barney runs past screaming. Baby Bop is still leeched onto his head. "Oh no, Orochimaru! It's the BANANA!"

A giant 32540 feet tall banana flew in and crushed Konohamaru! "IT'S PEANUT BUTTA JELLY TIME!" It starts stomping everything. "...Why? Whhhhhhhy?" Screamed the Emo. "I can't deal with this. I'm going back inside." "I'll take care of it then." "Okay, Big Bird."

"Yay! American Idol" Orochimaru, Kabuto and Naruto sit down and watch it. "i luff kelly pickler lloz" suz naruto like a gay person "huuuuur. She has pickler in hur name." "I for one, like Chris," Kabuto states. "He has a good voice." "Well, I like Catherine because she is obviously ahead of everything." Chimes in Orochimaru!

* * *

What will happen next time? Will Kanuhii ever be hyper enough to write a good chapter! Will Naruto FINALLY learn English? Tune in next time! (Or else.) 


	6. Why are you here?

"So why are we doing this again?"

Orochimaru was heavily sighing. He did not want to do this. It was a Sunday morning. He should have still been in bed. But no. Kabuto woke him up and told him he HAD to learn to take care of flowers properly.

"You're watering those daisies too much Oreo."

That was it.

"If you call me Oreo one more time, I swear to sweet Kami, I will make you watch Oprah for hours."

Kabuto's expression was shocked. He had posters of Oprah on his walls-filled with kunai marks. He HATED Oprah. How much did he hate Oprah? Enough to brutally torture her and do more evil stuff to her.

Orochimaru chuckled. "Kekekeke...I thought so."

"_Kekeke...I thought so!_" Kabuto mocked him under his breath.

"I heard that."

* * *

- - - Yo Momma - - -

It was now the afternoon and Oreo had yet to to get dressed. He went to his room yawning and scratching his butt when all of the sudden, that guy from Jeopardy popped out.

"WoOoOoOooooOO1!1one I am yo father! lolz."

Chi-san sighed. "W/e."

After that little chatspeak convo, he got dressed in his usual thing. Ya know, the weird dress/pant thingy with the hawt bow. It was time to go shopping. But first, he had to get Sasuke. If Sasuke didn't go, Orochimaru would get the wrong snacks and the Emo would be pissed. He went to Sasuke's room and knocked.

No answer.

He knocked again and again. Eventually, he opened the door.

"Sasuke? What are you doing?"

Sasuke was sprawled out on his stomach reading a magazine on his bed.

"What kind of magazine is that?"

Sasuke didn't bother to look up. "PlayBunny."

"WHAT! Lemme see!"

Orochimaru ran over and snatched it right our of his hands. Sasuke now had a bad paper cut.

Oreo slowly pulled out one of those foldout things and whistled. "This is hawt."

It was a foldout of a white bunny. Like, the animal. The magazine was about rabbits and taking care of them.

A thump is heard.

"OH NOES. Rocko is angered!" Sasuke screamed and ran out of the room. Orochimaru sighed and followed him to the rabbit cage.

A decent sized cage was next to Sasuke. Within it contained a brown rabbit. Sasuke was currently trying to get it out of the cage and pet him. The rabbit proceeded to bite Sasuke's finger. Orochimaru sighed for the umpteenth time today and muttered, "I knew that rabbit would be a waste of money. Even though I slaughtered 10 people to steal it. So technically...It was free right?"

Whilst the homicidal maniac pondered over that, Sasuke was flailing with the rabbit firmly attached to his finger.

"Ke, we have to go shopping. You wanted to come right? Remember what happened last time?"

The screen started to fade and Sasuke's face was a perfect oO.

_FLASHBACK_

"_I'm home Sasuke!"_

_Sasuke was in his room, plotting revenge on the evil lawn gnome when he heard Orochimaru call him. He ran in so fast, it was really fast and started digging through all the bags knocking random items everywhere._

_He stood up and twitched. Then he proceeded with an angry face._

"_**WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE TEDDY GRAHAMS!**"_

_Uh oh. Orochimaru was running away flailing his arms wildly while Sasuke chased him in an angry rage._

_ENDOFFLASHBACK_

"Well, if you didn't have such a sucky memory, I wouldn't have to go."

"Shut up. Let's go."

At the Supermarket. . . -

Orochimaru was pushing the cart while Sasuke was picking out crap. Our lovable Emo had Ice Cream in his hands when RABID FANGIRLS CAME OUT OF NOWHEREZ!1

They all glomped Orochimaru. He couldn't breath. No one touched Sasuke though because he farted.

Sasuke sighed. "It's 'cause they think I'm gay. They think I love Naruto when I say I don't...BUT I really do. BOHAHAHAHAHA!" Sasuke cackled maniacally whilst Oreo sat there now with HIS eyes like a perfect Oo.

* * *

AT THE BAT CAVE!

They were home! Yus. Orochimaru was unpacking the groceries while Sasuke was rocking in the fetal position holding and eating his Teddy Grahams.

"So Sasuke...How are your banjo lessons going?"

"They were fine until-"

The phone rang. Sasuke ran into the other room. He had to know who it was. Oh, and he grabbed his Grahams for anyone who was wondering.

"Oh, hey Seika!" It was this lady that Orochimaru liked.

Sasuke picked up the phone and listened in.

_Come one Orochimaru, be the biggest pussy there is! Girls love sincere guys. And stuff._

"So...The NoteBook is out and I was wondering if you would want to see it with me?" He held his breath.

"Sure!"

"_Oh My God..The NoteBook is SO gay..." _Sasuke whispered into the phone. Seika didn't notice for some reason.

"Shut up Sasuke!"

"Homooooo...HOMOOO...MY SENSEI IS A HOMO!"

Orochimaru ran into where Sasuke was and started beating him down. "MY SNACKS!" He screamed.

"Oreo? Are you okay?"

Orochimaru was out of breath but replied, "Yeah. I'm just fine. So what time?"

* * *

At the Movies. . .-

Sasuke decided to go. He was bored. Everyone got their snacks and they got in their seats. Seika, Orochimaru, then Sasuke.

2 hours later...

It was the saddest part of the movie. Two old people were kissing.

Orochimaru was trying to cry and Seika was crying. A lot. Sasuke just stared at them with his mouth open in disgust and mouthed, "This is _so_ gay..."

The movie was over. Finally.

"Wasn't that so sad Chi-san?"

"Sure was Seika-chan."

They both smiled at each other. Sasuke almost hurled.

This random pirate ran in screaming, "I like eggs!"

* * *

**So...I know it was weird but I was bored. Oh, and the part with the notebook was from the movie 'Just Friends'. I love that movie and I thought it would fit. Lol...R&R! I'll make more chapters! ;D**


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